Hey! That's What I Call Sludge - 1

Out of the dozens of CDs sent to me every day by various record companies and publicists, why would I choose to write a review of a CD released by a competing web site? Well, they sent it to me for free. Free is always good, plus it isn't stamped "promo" like so many of the CDs I receive. That means I could auction that bad boy off on Ebay if I so desired or take it down to the pawn shop for some beer money. More importantly, if I write a review, maybe Metal Sludge will link to it and hits to this site will skyrocket, making me the most well-known and beloved metal writer in the universe. Maybe I'll even get my own column on Metal Sludge.

The other reason I decided to review this CD is that I'm a Sludgeaholic, and have been since 1999. If you're not familiar with Metal Sludge, it is one of the best metal web sites in existence. It would be easier to put a link here so you can click on it and check for yourself, but I have a minimum word count I need to hit for this article, so that won't happen.

The site is about heavy metal, focusing mainly on the hair bands we know and love from the 80's and 90's and what they're up to these days. The people behind Metal Sludge use pseudonyms like Jani Bon Neil, Bastard Boy Floyd and Ozzy Stillbourne and thus are able to write without fear of repercussion and/or bodily harm. Who is behind the site? Most people agree at least some of them are musicians in the genre, and people like Jizzy Pearl and Rikki Rockett have been rumored to be part of it. Their writing has appeared on the site, but under their own names, so I'm not so sure they are the masterminds.

The writing on Metal Sludge is funny, to the point, and can be pretty brutal. But it's almost always true, and the truth hurts (just ask Sebastian Bach). There are also interviews with musicians, producers and even a porn star or two. The questions aren't your usual fluff, and it takes cojones to answer the questions honestly. Some great feuds have been started and continued through interviews and emails posted on the site. Perhaps the most publicized part of Metal Sludge is Donna Anderson's penis chart, where the manhood (or lack thereof) of over 200 rock stars is revealed and evaluated.

Metal Sludge also has some of the most rabid and dedicated fans on the internet, who keep the message boards smokin' and the merchandise rolling out the door. The Sludgeaholics even recently had their second annual get-together in Las Vegas.

Metal Sludge is beginning to take over the world. It started off with the web site. Next came putting on shows and even a concert tour. Now they've got their own show on XM satellite radio and have made the top 10 in VH-1's show " The 100 Most Metal Moments." The next logical step would be to release their own CD, which is exactly what they did. Hey! That's What I Call Sludge - 1 is a compilation featuring metal and alternative artists such as Lit, Firehouse, Kevin DuBrow, 40 Ft. Ringo and Bowling For Soup.

Sounds pretty standard, right? Would the people that ask interview questions like "What hard rock/heavy metal band should give up and call it a day?" and "Which rock star deserves a smack in the mouth and why?" release your average boring compilation CD? Not likely. Interspersed amongst the songs are hilarious snippets from Metal Skool, (aka the Metal Sludge All Stars) as they prepare to record the final song on the CD.

The music on the compilation is outstanding, but the humor makes it even better. My personal favorite song on the album is "Dear Jani Lane," by Tuff, which mocks the Warrant lead singer. In addition to a song about Warrant, there are also two songs on the CD from former members of the group: Billy Morris Band's "Killingtime" and GloryHole U.K.'s "Misery" featuring drummer Mike "The Sack" Fasano, who was fired twice by Warrant. Perhaps the deepest and most meaningful track on the album comes from Murderdolls lead singer Wednesday 13. His song "Your Mother Sucks Cocks In Hell" will bring a tear to your eye. Metal Skool (aka Metal Sludge All-Stars) makes the buildup worth it with the final song, "Death To All But Metal."

I do have a bone to pick with the liner notes of Hey! That's What I Call Sludge - 1. KNAC.com, Blabbermouth.net, Bravewords.com, HardRadio.com, MelodicRock.com and several other sites are thanked, but where is the Suite 101.com heavy metal site? Don't you know how popular this site is? Just because we have only 16 page views per month and nobody has heard of us doesn't mean we're not popular. Volume 2 better have this site mentioned or there's going to be trouble. And make sure to spell my name correctly.

Thus ends the finest album review ever written. I have a feeling after the brillance you've just read the powers that be at Metal Sludge will be hiring me very very soon. And until then, go to their site and buy the album. That way they'll make a little cash to be able to afford to pay my huge salary and we'll all be able to enjoy Metal Sludge for years to come.

For more information visit http://www.metal-sludge.com