Pleasantly Plump

This essay could very well be called the fattening of America, but, I didn't find that title to be quite as catchy.

There was a time, in modern history, including my own recent past, when most people were considered normal weight, in fact, many were at weights that were lower than their ideal weights. The minority, to be sure, were those people who were over weight, or "pleasantly plump". Even more rare were those poor, unhealthy individuals who were actually obese.

In today's America, the normal contingency has changed considerably.

The face, and body, of America has changed. Let's face it, we are fat, or obese, or, well, something. As a group, we have moved out of the hot pants and into the stretch pants.

So, where, what and who are you? Fat? Pleasantly Plump? Obese? Morbidly Obese? Underweight? Healthy Weight? Ideal Weight?

Who knows? Who cares? Well, some people know, and almost everyone cares. The diet industry in America is at an all time high, multi billion dollar level, and that's a lot of rice cakes and salad bars. But I digress with the lettuce. Back to our topic of discussion. These all illusive weight definitions and terms.

These terms are, of course, subjective to who is using them, and in what context they are being used, however, the correct definitions are slightly different than what I thought, and what you may have thought. Let's take a look at the terms, and a few more, and see what, exactly, is Fab Flab?

Fat - this term is generally used for individuals who are noticeably over their healthy weights. They have fat on areas of their bodies that believe in the saying, "See and be seen". Usually this would mean persons who were more than 15% over their "ideal weight". (Hang in there, we will figure this out). Also, this could be a compliment, but that is actually spelled P.H.A.T., and means Pretty Hot And Tempting. Actually that's a whole different article, but the words can be used in the same sentence, as in, "That girl was really fat, and really P.H.A.T." this gets complicated, so pay attention.

Pleasantly Plump - this term usually means those persons who are slightly over their ideal weight, with just a bit of those chubby cheeks, a small spare tire (and not in the car trunk). People who say things like, "If I could lose just fifteen pounds". Actually, Marilyn Monroe was pleasantly plump, according to these standards, but, that's just confusing the issue, isn't it?

Obese - a word that puts fear in the hearts of all man kind. The first time you see that little round word on your medical record, it makes you want to throw up. (So, it's actually a good thing you see this word while in a doctor's office.) What, exactly, is obese? Any person, male or female, who is over 20% of their ideal body weight (which has yet to be defined) is considered to be obese. So, let's see, once you are 15% over your "limit" you're fat, at 20% you become obese. What happens when you win the jackpot and hit 40%? Oh, yeah. Seat belt extenders. Now that is embarrassing, believe me, I know. The good news is, the embarrassment doesn't last long, because you also get those little bottles of liquor. So, you know, it works out.

Morbidly Obese - Okay, now we are getting serious. A person is morbidly obese when they are 30% or more over their ideal weight (whose ideal? Sorry, I guess I'm getting defensive). My own definition of this particular term is this: When the weight changes your lifestyle, you are morbidly obese. In other words, if you have trouble walking, sleeping, or finding clothes to fit you, this would be considered morbidly obese. So, what does morbidly mean? It means your weight has reached a level so that it is now expected to kill you. Sorry, folks, there is nothing to joke about in that line.

Underweight - This is a dream for 90% of America's women, and a nightmare for the other 10%. Being underweight is when your body weight is more than 5% below the ideal weight. (When I find the person who created that table I will hurt them.) This usually comes into play, and becomes a serious disorder, as in anorexia nervosa. A lot of really fat / P.H.A.T. women would really like to be told "My! You are so thin, a strong wind could blow you away!", as opposed to, "My! If a strong wind comes along can I hang on to you?" But, ladies, and you know who we, umh, I mean you, are, this is an unhealthy attitude. Being thin does not solve life's problems. In fact, for some women, being and remaining thin becomes their one major life problem. To the exclusion of all else. This is as serious as being overweight, er, obese, or, well, one of those fat terms, in fact, for some women, it can be even more serious, to the point of death.

Heavy - This is an old fashioned term for fat. Has also been called Big Boned, Big Girl, and Heavyset. (What does that mean, anyway? Heavyset? That has always sounded like a good set of crystal to me, therefore, a very high compliment. Hey, this is how I handle my dysfunction, okay? Don't knock it till you try it.)

Healthy weight - Okay, now that we have all been put neatly into a little labeled box, either as fat, obese, morbidly obese, underweight, pleasantly plump or heavy, we can get down to the terms we want to be associated with, sort of. What is a healthy weight? Generally speaking this is the best term in the world of rice cakes. This term means you are neither fat nor underweight. You are not heavy or plump, but at a weight that is considered healthy and viable for your height, frame, seat belt and clothing. This is a good thing, unless you like those little bottles of liquor, but, that's a different column.

So, if that is a healthy weight, what is an ideal weight? Well, actually, ideal weight is not heard as often, any more. Not since the man who coined the term was found in his trunk. Ok, not really. The truth is this term has become overused, and , eventually, less important in the vocabulary of managed care. This term referred to a list, actually prepared and maintained by insurance companies to determine their rates and fees, listing weight limits and ideal weights. In other words, a company who had no vested interest (yeah right) in making you feel unhealthy compiled a list of weights which they had no medical training to impose. So, you can see why it is not as fashionable a term, any longer. I am being a bit harsh here, and apologize. While it is true that insurance companies compile, utilize, and keep, ideal weight charts, they are neither malicious nor out to make us feel bad about ourselves, I mean, they're not the media, or anything. They simply do the best they can to make sense of all of these terms, numbers, figures (quite literally and figuratively) and to create an acceptable norm for individuals. The formula, generally, is like this: 100 lbs per 5 ft, and 5 lbs for every inch there after. So, a woman who was 5'8", at an ideal weight, would weigh 140 lbs. This can be helpful, except it does not take into account fat / muscle ratio, or other individual measurements.

So, give the insurance guys a break, who wants to set the standard anyway? It's not their fault they got the crappy job.

So, what does all of this mean? Well, I'm not sure. Pleasantly plump is considered bad, although it's pleasant. Fat and P.H.A.T. are not the same, but can be the same person. Marilyn was too heavy, yet remains idolized forty years after her death. Airlines offer free liquor with seat belt extenders. Heavy is as heavy does. Ok, I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

Actually, what I'm trying to say here is that no matter what term others use to describe you, what really matters is that you know who you are, and how to describe yourself. You may be fat. But you might also be resourceful, intelligent, and witty. You might be morbidly obese, but you might also be a natural comedian with great hair. You might be heavy and be sexy. And believe me, honey, that is not an oxymoron.

What matters is not what others think, or how you are classified and identified, unless you, yourself, buy into the hype and the label. I don't. I am obese, and I am sexy. I am intelligent and I am fat. I am playful and I use a seat belt extender. And, hey, in my defense, I have a great sense of humor and a good personality.

Be who you are, and not what others think you are, in this is the key to your own sense of self worth, identity and ideal. Good luck! (If this article inspires you to throw out all of your chocolate chip cookies, please mail them to me.)