Raising Self-Sufficient Children

Many parents are over-protective of their children, often doing every little thing for them-including thinking. One of the most obvious reasons for this is the increase in older first-time parents who want to do everything for their child when it arrives. Other parents hope to make up for all they didn't receive as children.

So how can we enable our children to be self-sufficient?

Make a list of your child's chores and responsibilities so there is never a question of what is expected on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. Tell him or her, ahead of time, the consequences of not completing chores. For example, suppose it is your daughter's job to sweep the driveway on Saturdays. If she doesn't do it, she should know ahead of time that she has to stay home on Sunday. Missing a get-together with friends will go a lot further than nagging, which only perpetuates the cycle of dependency.

Don't stereotype roles. If your son knows that you think mowing the lawn is "man's work", imagine what he'll say when you ask him to do the laundry. Roles should be assigned according to each person's preference and schedule. If you have a son and a daughter, let them alternate chores. This will prevent arguments and boredom, assuring that chores will be completed.

Research. Find out what works for other parents. Are there parents in your community whose parenting skills you admire or respect? They'd probably be more than happy to share what they know. Check out the Internet, too. Many parent-friendly sites, such as Moms Online, allow parents to interact with each other and share ideas.

Rather than telling your child how to handle a situation, allow him or her to work through the problem alone. This doesn't mean that you should ignore your child or neglect his/her needs when help is requested. Quite the opposite; it takes longer to teach problem-solving skills than to whip out a pat answer. For example, suppose that a 16-year-old boy wants to get a part-time job. His parents could say, "You can't handle that with homework and baseball practice. Wait until summer." A better choice: "Do you think you can handle it with all your other responsibilities? How many free hours do you have each week?" You're still making yourself available, yet encouraging him to work through the problem himself. Of course, you should tell your son if you disagree with something and explain your reasoning: "I don't care for the idea, because your schedule is already too tight. I'm afraid your grades will suffer. What do you think?" Allow him to learn the art of negotiating. He might surprise you by saying, "I think I can handle it. Tell you what, if my grades start falling, I'll give it up. OK?"

Check out Nine Steps to More Effective Parenting at Kidshealth.org. Many of the suggestions, including building your child's self-esteem and being forgiving of your own limitations, are important considerations in raising capable kids. This site provides a wealth of information for any parent.

Most importantly, keep your perspective. Consider which things you are doing that your child is capable of handling. Let children have a say in their own lives; making mistakes is part of learning.

There is nothing wrong with doing things for our children-in fact, as parents, it comes with the territory. However, we also have an obligation to teach them self-sufficiency skills so that they may grow to be capable adults.