Individualizing the Grief of Miscarriage
Suffering is defined as patiently or bravely undergoing or feeling pain or distress. I did, in fact, endure bravely because I did not take my own life and patiently because I repeatedly, of free will, kept trying to get pregnant and give birth to a live baby.
I chose to use the word, "my" because it has come to my awareness that the experience of grieving is different for everyone and changes as time goes by. This concept is the purpose of this article on individualizing the grief of miscarriage.
I began my research for this article in much the same way as I usually do. I came on a site for aiding grieving parents named , A Place to Remember. It had a Remembrance Book and a message board for Sharing.
Since it has been twenty-one years since my last miscarriage, I decided to read a few messages that were shared at that site. It wasn't long before I came across a complaint lodged there about remarks that were made by Kathie Lee Gifford, on May 17, 2001, during an interview she had with Matt Lauer on the "Today Show."
The complaint stated that Ms. Gifford had commented to Matt Lauer that having been nominated seven times for an Emmy for "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee," and not winning was like going to the hospital to have a baby and leaving without one. Information was left on the board advising the readers, how they could visit Ms. Gifford's web site, if they wished to voice their protest about these insensitive remarks.
There were nineteen responses posted there. I went to Ms. Giffords web site and found the following post and I quote:
"I've heard from several of you that you were upset by my comment on the Today Show about not winning an Emmy all those years. It breaks my heart to think that something I said in a casual way could cause pain in people who are already experiencing pain in their lives due to the loss of a child. I am so very sorry and I hope you will forgive my insensitivity. Having experienced two miscarriages myself I should have realized that the analogy I used might be misunderstood by others. For all of you who are experiencing the loss of a child, I pray God's peace and comfort in your hearts.I wrote "Every Day I Like You More" for my friend, Rebecca, who recently lost a child. It has helped in her healing and I hope it does in yours as well.
Please forgive me...
Love,
Kathie Lee"
Why did I include Ms. Gifford's apology? I wanted to use it to prove the point that the grief of miscarriage is different for everyone and does not remain static. Many persons who responded on that message board assumed that Kathie Lee had never experienced a miscarriage but she clearly stated that she had suffered two.
At the time her miscarriages occurred, she probably experienced a profound and deeply sad grief process. In the years that followed, her healing was affected by her ability to give birth to live babies and to become a mother. Her grief had been completely resolved when she made that comment on the Today Show. She was not remembering her loss.
There are as many kinds of losses as there are ways to grieve. I personally do not believe that a person can really understand the grief a mother feels when she loses a baby in miscarriage, unless she has also lost a baby in the same manner.
Even then, the experience may vary greatly depending on whether the person wanted the baby, if a fertility problem existed and the couple had been trying for a long period of time to conceive, and if there had been previous miscarriages.
I also believe that women, who have suffered miscarriages, have little understanding of what the father of their baby may feel as they go through their own private grief process. In my case, my husband never talked about his feelings. If he cried, it was never in front of or with me.
His flurry of activity afterwards, made me think that he wasn't affected and hadn't really cared. He later was to confide in me that keeping busy was the only way he could keep from thinking about it.
He became very short tempered and impatient, when my grieving continued longer than he thought it should. He avoided spending time with me. Later he also shared that he carried deep feelings of guilt over making me pregnant. He felt responsible for the physical, mental and emotional pain I went through. I think I blamed him too.
I discovered in my research that the differences in the way that men and women grieved, over the loss of a baby, actually pulled the couple apart. Many ended up divorcing at a later time, as happened to us even after we were successful at being able to have children.
Many women who have experienced miscarriages do not experience a "normal" grieving process and drift into major depressions and /or become suicidal. I believe that there are very concrete reasons that contribute to this occurring.
If people were more aware of their impact on that grieving mother, they could avoid making thoughtless comments or doing things that may confuse the issue of allowing that woman to experience her grief in a normal way.
Anything that happens that gives an impression that no baby existed in the first place, is destructive to the mother's mental stability. It keeps her from being able to grieve in a healthy way.
Examples of acting like there was no baby may include not allowing the mother to see the baby, hold it or say good bye; not encouraging the parents to named the baby; not having a memorial or funeral service; and getting rid of all the items that were purchased in preparation for the baby's arrival.
It should be remembered that the hormones a woman is producing, tell her brain that she gave birth to a baby. It will not register that the baby died. She will have the urge to hold her baby in her arms and her breasts will prepare to lactate. These happenings will add to her grief, as well as the wide mood swings she starts to experience immediately after birth.
Typically, I experienced anger because no one could tell me why my miscarriage had happened and that I was denied the experience that other women seemed to be allowed just by virtue of being a woman. I felt guilty because I believed that if I had done something different, it would not have happened. I felt like I had disappointed and failed my husband.
I did not want to hear that, "It was probably for the best," or that "You can have another baby at a later time." I could not handle hearing about someone else getting pregnant or attend a baby shower. Being around someone else's baby did not stop me from wanting one of my own.
It is a dangerous time after a miscarriage. It can become easy to fall into the habit of trying to dull the disappointment with alcohol and/or other drugs. Becoming addicted to drugs only delays resolving the grief over the loss of your baby and creates a serious problem that might interfere with your hopes for future pregnancies.
It was suggested to me that talking to someone who had experienced a similar loss could help me. I think this is a good idea except when that someone has obviously drifted into mental illness after their miscarriage. I once tried keeping in contact with a roommate I had had while in the hospital. She had also had a miscarriage.
She was constantly calling me on the phone and describing how she was trying to physically hurt herself. She once stuck her finger into a fan on purpose while talking to me on the phone. I had to tell her family about that incident. She required professional help and being on an anti-depressant medication to recover after her miscarriage.
I cannot offer any ideas on the amount of time, it should take to recover from the lost of a baby because of a miscarriage. Most articles I have read say anywhere from 12 to 24 months are normal. I will say that it helps, if you are eventually successful at having a baby to parent as I feel that was necessary for my recovery.
While it did not replace the babies that I had lost, I did then have someone to love and care for and someone to love me back. It did make me more appreciative of my children and I don't feel I took being a parent for granted.
If you have suffered a miscarriage and need help with your grieving process, please try visiting the links below:
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